1:42 p.m. - 2007-11-30
LOQTIWAAWIIYTAA
10 Things You Might Not Know About Me

Crap, my name starts with a J.

1. Heh, all I can think of are the things I like to smell because of that one discussion in Pacer’s comments. I apparently have a really good sense of smell.
2. I was an email/BlackBerry administrator until Monday. I quit my job to do something totally different at the same company (for less money) because I got so sick of dealing with the endusers.
3. I currently have six cats and a turtle. All the gerbils have died.
4. I am in the middle of a divorce.
5. I drive a stick and always have. It was easy to pick a car when it was time to buy a new one – there was only one stickshift on the lot.
6. I am kind of cold, emotionally.
7. I moved two hours away from my family to go to college, and never moved back.
8. I love pickles, but I am a pickle snob. I prefer Clausen halves. Last time I finished a jar, I couldn’t bear to throw out the leftover liquid, so I cut a cuke and put it in there. It’s okay – not like the real thing, but cheaper.
9. I am lazy. I have lived in my house for six years, and there are parts of it I have never, and will probably never, clean.
10. My friends and I shared our 10th annual Friends’ Thanksgiving this year. The gathering has ebbed and swelled over the years, but this year we had just the right group, and we laughed more than I ever remember. I probably remember so vividly because this was the first year I was sober the whole way through. Remember #9? One year, I left everything on the dining table overnight, and the turkey carcass in the oven for several days (I forgot it was in there!).

1:37 p.m. - 2007-09-14
Is this a MEME?
1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?
No, but there was coincidentally a nun called Sister Julie Marie working at the hospital where I was delivered.

2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?
Man, I came cloooose yesterday. Sunday, September 2nd.

3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
Everything about me is perfect.

4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT?
Uh, I don’t really care much for sandwiches. I like Lebanon bologna.

5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS?
No, but I am expecting my first. I am four weeks or six weeks pregnant depending on how you count.

6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?
Probably not. I tend not to get along with people who are like me.

7. DO YOU USE SARCASM?
Sure, loves it.

8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS?
Yes.

9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP?
No – I agree that even though I throw money away all the time, bungee jumping, like skydiving, seems like a waste of money. Maybe that’s my excuse because I’d be afraid, but whatever. I’ve considered skydiving, but I don’t see the point of bungee jumping.

10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL?
I also don’t care for cereal, but I loooove Fruity Pebbles. Also, Pops (Corn Pops?)

11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF?
Yes.

12. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG?
Physically, no. RE: Addictive substances like alcohol and cigarettes – I would have said no a week ago, but I haven’t wanted or been tempted to drink since I found out I’m pregnant.

13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM?
I think it’s Breyer’s Dulce de Leche.

14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE?
I’m not very observant. I probably wonder if they’re judging me.

15. RED OR PINK?
Red

16. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOUR SELF?
I am laaaaazy.

17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST?
No one. I’m heartless.

18. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO SEND THIS BACK TO YOU?
I will read anything.

19. WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING?
Khakis and copper-colored shoes.

20. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE?
Chili

21. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?
Myself typing.

22. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE?
I always liked the metallic ones – silver, copper.

23. FAVORITE SMELLS?
I like dryer exhaust smell.

24. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?
Uhhhh, uhhhh, mind like a sieve…I have no earthly idea.

25. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU?
I like Pacer, she seems like a nice person.

26. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH?
Heh. Oh, soccer.

27. HAIR COLOR?
Brown

28. EYE COLOR?
Brown

29. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS?
No

30. FAVORITE FOOD?
My grandmother’s potato soup, Kelly’s baked corn.

31. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS?
I like to cry at movies, happy or sad, and I do like a good horror flick. I like gore, usually.

32. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED?
Breach

33. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING?
It is quite hideous – blues, red and white plaid.

34. SUMMER OR WINTER?
Winter!!!!

35. HUGS OR KISSES?
Kisses

36. FAVORITE DESSERT?
Tiramisu

37. MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND?
The Internet

38. LEAST LIKELY TO Respond?
Anyone who actually knows me.

39. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW?
What to expect when you’re expecting, Spilling Clarance, and the Bachman books.

40. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?
Laser mousse don’t need pads.

41. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON TV LAST NIGHT?
The dog show, some shit in Spanish.

42. FAVORITE SOUND?
The sound of a beer bottle being popped open with a spoon.

43. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES?
Beatles

44. WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME?
England

45. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT?
I can sit on the floor with my legs in a W shape – feet on the outside of my hips. It’s not that special, but it freaks some people out.

46. WHERE WERE YOU BORN?
Maryland

47. WHOSE ANSWERS ARE YOU LOOKING FORWARD TO GETTING BACK?
I am just looking forward to more reading material.

12:57 p.m. - 2007-08-30
Updated!
Alex's bday party was fun! I met lots of his friends, and my friends had fun - some of them even mingled after they lubricated themselves with beers.

I - whoops - took in another cat. He has ringworm - a potential disaster. I have to dip him twice a week and am fervently praying none of the others contracted it. I should probably be furiously cleaning. Or I could just burn my house done and start over. Ringworm is a fungus that can survive for years - although longhaired cats are apparently more susceptible and only Sugar has longish fur.

I had a family wedding this weekend. It was a good time - no fighting, lots of weirdos to look at. I wore black and got really nervous when I saw that no one else was wearing black, even though I've heard it's okay now, and "in," especially for weddings later in the day, which this was. But, at the reception I saw that a cousin and an aunt were wearing black, too, so I didn't feel like I was cursing the happy couple.

In other news, my early birthday treat of seeing Amy Winehouse was cancelled. She's cancelling everything. I hope she makes it. I hope she doesn't check out at 28 like Joplin, Morrison and Cobain. She'll only be 24 (on the 14th of September), so it's crazy to see how deep she's already gotten herself. See also: Britney Spears.

5:26 p.m. - 2007-08-10
feliz cumpleaños, bebé
Tomorrow is the big day! My friends will meet my boyfriend for the first time. My friend Dave briefly met Alex last Friday, but Alex was working, so really it was just an introduction. This will be hours at a party at my house. I hope all goes well. I'm always nervous before hosting a party, so how much is that, and how much is anticipation of him meeting everyone, I don't know.

Alex hired someone to do the food. I love him. I'm making a cake and some easy salsa tonight, and I'm finished! Oh, except for furious cleaning.

3:40 p.m. - 2007-08-09
Lyrica - Not as nice as it sounds, although I didn't try one
I may be repeating myself, but in the interest of having the whole story in one entry:

My mom got really sick last year and was hospitalized. She presented with shortness of breath and a dangerously low blood oxygen level. It ended up being caused by a medication she had been prescribed for pneumonia. Her doctor told her he found that the medication’s side effects included organ failure. W? T? F? How is this an acceptable side effect? Is the medication intended for terminally ill pneumonia sufferers? I don’t know the name of that medication to warn you.

When my mom was stable enough to leave the hospital, she was very weak, thin and her breathing was still labored. She was sent to a rehabilitation facility where she encountered a new doctor. I don’t know if she informed this doctor of her love of prescription medications, but that’s beside the point, I guess. Mom signed a consent for treatment with the doctor and although I haven’t seen it, I’m assuming it mentioned what we now know about the medication he prescribed her. The medication is marketed as Lyrica, generic name Pregabalin.

The doctor (KLASKIN YOU TOOL) started her at 50mg and steadily increased her dosage to 150mg three times a day. She never filled that prescription, thankfully. It was when she started taking the 100mg doses that we had the incident that could not be ignored (described in the previous post).

Through my extensive googling skillz, I have learned a lot about this drug including a notation on the FDA’s page for Pregabalin suggesting patients inform their health care provider if they have previously abused prescription medications as “Lyrica may cause some people to feel ‘high’”. Indeed. I knew it, but I had no proof until that statement. I considered taking one to see what it was like, but they’re all gone.

My grandmother got a call from her sister-in-law who was bragging on a new medication her doctor prescribed her – she was able to sleep for the first time in ages and even scrubbed the kitchen floor! Guess what the medication was? Lyrica.

Be warned, be informed. Doctors prescribe what the drug companies tell them to. You have to be an informed health care consumer, and if you’re a drug addict, don’t get pissy with your daughter when she tries to take your keys.

5:53 p.m. - 2007-07-31
Mom's on the Lam Again
Well, well, I have a few things to learn about addiction it seems. As many people as I know who have drug and alcohol problems, you’d think I wouldn’t be blindsided like I was this week.

I thought after my mom’s pastor talked to her, and after we went to see her doctor she would take steps to correct the problems we’ve been seeing. Instead, there was an incident.

My mother is a caregiver for elderly and incapacitated persons. She took a lady to the hairdresser on Friday, and while the woman was having her hair done, my mom fell asleep (passed out is probably more apt). When the staff woke her up, she couldn’t stay conscious enough to write out the check. The poor elderly woman was cognizant enough not to want to ride with Mom, although the staff of the salon was horrified as well, so they called the woman’s husband. When he got there, he tried to get Mom to ride with him, but she wouldn’t, so she followed him. Her driving was reckless, drifting off the road the whole way to their house. When they got to the house, they put her to bed and called my grandmother. They came to get my grandmother and she drove my mom home only because she had four people to insist my mom not drive. Upon arriving home, my grandmother tried to keep my mom’s keys, but my mom (I know this is true but I can’t believe what addiction turns you into) told my grandmother if she didn’t get her keys back she wouldn’t eat. Like a petulant child.

On Saturday, we had a yard sale to benefit our church. Mom was nodding off while eating a hot dog. I had to go stand next to her and shake her awake every few seconds. Then I had to do the same thing while she checked her sugar (she’s diabetic). I went to the bathroom with her while she took her insulin and really laid into her about the pills and about how dangerous she is on the road. Her boyfriend came to take her home for more insulin and into town to pick up some prescriptions (because she NEEDS more pills). When she got back, she was more alert and we wrapped up the yard sale. She was pretty out of it, and everyone was asking what was going on with her. I’m ashamed, but I really am embarrassed by her actions. I am also embarrassed that I let it get this bad – I should have taken her keys when I saw the way she was driving on Tuesday. I didn’t want to insult her and I didn’t realize how poor her judgment has become.

So, after everyone else had left, I tried to get my mom to go to the hospital. She refused and wouldn’t relinquish her keys. She sat down in the parking lot. She said she was finished with the church and didn’t appreciate the way the pastor handled the situation. She admitted she needed help, but was unable to suggest an alternative to mine (rehab) that was workable (not that she’s capable of coherent thought). I called her boyfriend to come back and help me. I was thinking “Jerry Springer” over and over to myself. I am not a fighter, and I definitely did’t want to wrestle my mother. Her stupid, worthless boyfriend got there and told me I was overreacting. While I was trying to reason with this knucklehead, Mom made a break for her car. I told her if she drove, I’d call the police and I did. She was missing for seven hours.

While she was gone, I made some phone calls – to a crisis hotline to see what I’d have to do to have her committed against her will, to a pharmacy about the pills she has, to friends to see if we could locate her. We drove around looking for her. On the upside, on one of the roads we traveled there were alpacas and pygmy goats, so that was cool.

Mom finally called home from a payphone at 9:30 and arrived home at 11:30 or so. My grandmother and I decided we’d be asleep when she got there and we’d discuss it the next day.

Nan, Pop and I went to church Sunday morning, and when we got back she was still in bed. Nan was concerned about her sugar, so I called in to her to ask her to check it and she said she had. I went for coffee because I needed a cry and I didn’t want to upset my grandmother. I didn’t know what to do or say and I was so angry I couldn’t speak without tearing up or wanting to scream and throttle my mom.

After I got back, Nan and I went for subs and came home to eat them. Nan’s resolve to commit Mom weakened and she said she didn’t think Pop would support it. I called my gf Belle and she told me to make a list of facts that Mom couldn’t argue with, and also a list of my concerns. So I did that. We ate dinner around six, and Mom wandered out of her room and ate with us. Afterwards, she went to the back deck for a cigarette and I asked if I could speak with her.

I went over the list and she didn’t dispute anything. She was okay with the fact that we confiscated the one pill completely. She agreed to stop taking two other of the medications. I will go with her to the bad doctor on Monday to make sure he doesn’t renew any of these prescriptions. She agreed not to drive if she would be taking any of the medications that cause drowsiness.

Before I left, we were all in the kitchen – Nan, Pop, Mom and I. I said I wanted to go home, but not before I knew she would be okay. I made sure Pop was listening and I said that if any dangerous behavior was observed, I wanted to be called. He spoke up, bless him, and said he was worried something tragic was going to happen. If Mom died, it would ruin his and Nan’s life. He added a few minutes later how much we all love her. If you knew my Pop, you’d realize how much that meant. I just hope she heard him.

I talked to Nan today and she said Mom slept most of the day yesterday and was still hostile, not that she isn’t usually an itsy bit bitchy, as we like to say. She had hidden her keys so they wouldn't be confiscated, but unfortunately, she is so out of it, she couldn't remember where she hid them and Nan had to come home to give her the spare set she had hidden in her own car - if this isn't indication enough that her thoughts are cloudy at best, I don't know what is. Mom had a job today and she did drive the man somewhere. We have reports that he made it home safely and she is on the way to her boyfriend’s house. He has instructions to call or have her call when she arrives. Hopefully when this shit works it's way out of her system I'll get my mom back. I don't like this bitch very much.

5:42 p.m. - 2007-07-26
I never eat all the jelly before it gets moldy.
I have a new policy at work. There is an "I am not clairvoyant" clause. This means you will receive precisely what you've asked for, regardless of whether it's what you wanted. If you don't know how to ask for what you want, that is too bad. I am tired of explaining it.

I am so hungry! I am going home and eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and ruining my dinner! Ruining!

4:15 p.m. - 2007-07-25
Mom and Midnight
My mom’s pastor is a professional! She talked to her without being accusatory or judgmental and Mom is not angry with anyone. I went with her to see her doctor, and he advised her to completely stop taking one medication. They went over the list of what she takes, and I think she may have “not mentioned” one prescription, but I can’t be sure. I want to go to her other doctor with her, too, but he’s on vacation.

My mom has been a mess lately – stumbling around and out of her head. Turns out, one of her medications has a lot of very negative side effects – blurred vision, impaired thought, loss of balance. I thought she was abusing and she may be, but we’re going to give her two weeks to get this shit out of her system, then we’ll readdress.

I had a great experience this weekend! There was a wedding shower/family cookout at my aunt’s house, and as I was leaving, a kitten ran up to me. I didn’t take it with me, but came back the next day. I found the “owner” but she let me take it to place in a home. I had the cat placed within 30 hours – a personal best. It was cheating a little because I knew the person was looking for a kitten, and this kitten is a real find – solid black and more affectionate than any cat I’ve ever met.

6:09 p.m. - 2007-07-20
Nan
My grandmother was one of four children born to parents who were loving, but cursed. Her father worked in the coalmines and died there, and if what I heard was true, he probably died because he had gone blind, but kept working anyway. Her mother had porphryia, and was committed to an asylum.

The children were separated and sent to live with various family members. Nan went to live with her aunt Elva and lived like Cinderella – made to clean and work while Elva’s daughter was treated favorably.

Nan told me once that she always wondered why her grandmother, who had a big house, didn’t take the children in. She said it inspired her to be the best grandmother ever when she had the chance. She has succeeded.

Pies, cookies, pancakes shaped like Mickey Mouse, jelly, chipped beef gravy, potato soup.

Extravagant Christmases, birthdays, Easters, etc. The discreet palming of twenties, always. Note cards with heartfelt messages always signed “All are love, Nan and Pop”.

The endless, fruitless worrying about her children and grandchildren and neighbors and in-laws.

The event that forever changed her was the house fire that killed her two younger children, Junior and Rebecca. They were teenagers, and neither was supposed to be home that night. Nan was at a bar (guess who told me this – I had always heard she was at bingo) and when she got home and saw the house on fire, she ran inside. The fireman pulled her out. They found the handle to her purse later.

Nan came to live with my parents after the fire. I was a toddler, maybe two, and when I was 19, she told me why I would always be her favorite. It was because I didn’t know to be sad after the fire and the death of my uncle and aunt. I was two, and acted two and was a great distraction. I don’t remember any of it, of course, but I know I love her more than anyone else on the planet. It helps that she spoils me rotten, but knowing her is such a blessing. Everyone loves her. She is always doing for others and she never expects anything in return.

3:19 p.m. - 2007-07-20
My Name is Julie and I'm an Alcoholic
I love my parents dearly. They are good people, interesting, intelligent and loving. They married when my mom was pregnant with me, and separated when I was 12 or thereabouts. They eventually divorced. They eventually started seeing each other again, off and on, but it was entirely sexual. I know this because my dad likes to tell me things, mostly things about other family members that are deep, dark secrets. He apparently shares my love of gossip. He is awesome. He is an alcoholic.

My mother now lives with her parents. How she does this is beyond me – oh, wait, that’s right, she self-medicates. Not that she started when she moved in with them, but I’m sure she’d probably say one of the reasons she abuses is to deal with her mother.

When I was 15 or 16, I came home from school and my mom wasn’t home. I didn’t think anything of it for a few hours, but when I became worried I called my grandmother. My mother had checked herself into rehab. I forget how long she was an inpatient, or if it worked. Her addiction is to prescribed medication, and she doctor shops, but I don’t think she’s ever forged a prescription.

The first time my mother went to rehab, I was too young to know what was going on, but I remember visiting her at the facility. I remember accompanying her to AA, NA and Al-Anon meetings for years. She even started her own Al-Anon group in a church basement.

My dad went to rehab too. I remember sending him a card, and I swear it had that kitten hanging from a branch, or maybe I’m thinking of the note I wrote in the card, “Hang Tough.” I wrote that because I was in my NKOTB phase. I remember the notes I received from my dad the times he was in jail for DUI. Did you know that a lot of publishers won’t send books to prisons? You can only send books directly from the publishers, not from amazon.com or elswhere, and when I started calling publishers, they refused to deliver to prisons. My dad loves to read, so I printed a bunch of stuff off the Internet and sent it to him. World’s stupidest criminals, the Morbid Fact du Jour from asylumeclectica.com, whatever I thought he’d enjoy.

Both of my parents have dabbled in harder drugs, notably cocaine, but they were wise enough not to let it ruin their lives.

Our family is comprised of addicts and we are textbook codependent. When my 14-year-old cousin visited me in college years ago, I had a long talk with her about scapegoating, etc., and she ended up moving out of her mother and stepfather’s home to live with her dad. Her stepfather is my mother’s brother. His third wife is also an alcoholic and he abuses her, but she loves him and is not willing to leave. Ah, codependency, how do I loathe thee? When I printed out a list of codependent behavior and showed it to my husband and was remarking, “Look, this is me, this is us,” he shrugged and took another swig of his icepick. I took another swig of mine. I had a few more. A few months’ more, and then I was finished.

I will put up with some shit, and I will put up with it for a long time. The one thing that has caused me to change my attitude re: putting up with alcoholism is the desire to have a child. I will not have a baby and let it grow up suffering like my cousin – being blamed for problems in the household that she as a child certainly was not responsible for. My parents separated before it came to that point, but I remember some stuff that went down. I do not blame my mother for anything, but I can recognize the behavior in myself that I learned from her. She learned it from her mother. I do not want this pattern to continue.

6:04 p.m. - 2007-07-19
I love telling people I'll see them on YouTube
Hello, and thank you for stopping by. I don't feel like doing anything (except maybe stopping for a case of beer on the way home - I have a few more days before I should start abstaining again in case of pregnancy) so here are my youtube videos. My camera does not have sound, and so I feel the videos will suck if they're too long. So most of them aren't. I have more videos of the drag show that I'll have to post eventually.

http://youtube.com/profile?user=sweetjuliejules

5:39 p.m. - 2007-07-18
See Also: Go Fuck Yourself
This this guy I decided to get involved with is apparently one of those people that think cats steal babies' breath. He told me last night how "unhygienic" it is to have cats around babies and that I need to get rid of three of the cats.

That did NOT work with my husband, and it will not work with you, my little friend.

In other news, I took of my glasses to contemplate having another crying jag at work and saw what appeared to be a pubic hair on the nose pad. ...hurl At least I was distracted from my meltdown.

5:00 p.m. - 2007-07-17
My Monday
You know, the last time I had a page on diaryland, I was in a terrible relationship and just wanted to rant endlessly and not burden my girls.

...

Please, oh please, history, stop repeating? Why-eeee?

...

He's not that bad, but he throws little temper tantrums. And beer bottles. Not at me, but damn, don't waste beer! FOOL!

There had better be a couple cold ones left when I get home.

I took yesterday off, so this is my Monday and ha ha, it's 5:10 and I'm totally leaving before anyone can make me regret saying this: It wasn't that bad!

7:45 p.m. - 2007-07-13
The Cat House
Okay, so I live in Philadelphia. I've been here for twelve years, since the September after I graduated from high school. I grew up in rural York County, PA. I like it there. I like it here. I like most places I visit.

Will I stay here? Probably for the foreseeable future. There are jobs I don't pursue, endless recreation opportunities I also don't pursue and my house. I bought my house six years ago. Is is a mess. There are holes everywhere and areas I have totally never cleaned. But, it's home and it's big enough for me and my six cats and whatever freeloaders I invite in.

Since I have lived at my house, there has been a revolving group of insignificant others and "roommates". Meaning a looooooser boyfriend and a husband and four roommates who I never asked for money. The roommates I never asked for money because they were supposed to be getting their feet under them and getting out. Only one followed this strategy. The others just lived off me. Duh. I probably didn't explain it right (my plan for their future, which was to get out of my house after they'd worked thru whatever shit they were going thru).

7:42 p.m. - 2007-07-13
Link to my Flickr Account
Here are some pictures if you're interested:

...and this is going to totally give out way more information that is really necessary, but we'll just assume no one will ever read this...

http://flickr.com/photos/7518275@N03

7:26 p.m. - 2007-07-13
An introduction
Uh, this is going to suck, I can feel it, but we'll move somewhere else if I keep updating. I have a domain, but stopped paying the monthly hosting fee since I wasn't using it...

Okay, so My Name is Julie. I am 29, and will be 30 in September! I don't know why I'm excited, but I am! Everyday of this life is just another day, but milestones, however meanless, are exciting to me.

I like the numbers 4 and 7 lately, and the color maroon and butterflies. This spring/summer started hitting me with symbols and coincidences. I'm definitely not all high and into astrology, but I like patters and repetition and the idea that kismet exists.

The most interesting thing going for me now is my new love. In February, I told my husband of two years that I wanted a divorce. In March, I met Sal. He is a little younger, a little shorter (than me), and a lot different than the other men I've loved. Well, a little different, and a little the same, as all people are. The same in that he let me latch onto him and not let go right after we met. My best girl Bella thinks this is a big red flag, but I am going to attribute that mostly to the fact that she hates being smothered by a guy. I need it. Another good friend of mine said this: If and when I do meet "the man of my dreams (...ha)", I will fall for him the same way I fell for all the frogs before him.

Okay, let's let this one be short and I'll purge more in a little.

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